Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Wonderfulness of Mayonnaise

If my mate should ever make the mistake of asking me: “Honey, what are you thinking?” I would respond thusly: “Mayonnaise…I was just thinking about mayonnaise...and how wonderful mayonnaise is and about its delicious creamy goodness. I was thinking of how wonderful the world is with mayonnaise and how empty it would be without it. Can you imagine a world without mayonnaise? Do you think it would be possible for us to have reached such an advanced technological state, as we are in, and to not have developed mayonnaise? Could there have occurred, some fluke, some crease in our history that might have caused us to bypass the invention of mayonnaise? There would be a hole in our culinary experience, and people would be wondering and puzzling over its existence. There might even be advanced civilizations orbiting distant stars that have not yet discovered the creamy goodness of mayonnaise. Or, what could be worse, there may be places where mayonnaise simply could not exist...planets where the surface temperature is 250 Fahrenheit and three atmospheres pressure (water would of course not boil at such temperatures and pressures)? But, mayonnaise under such conditions would be nothing more than a gelatinous and unpalatable mass. There might even be Earths in parallel universes where mayonnaise does not exist. If you should go into a grocery store in such a world, you would find sections of shelves in the condiments aisle where there is no mayonnaise, just emptiness. And if you should stop a passing shopper, a native of such a domain, and ask them about the void on said shelves they would give you a quizzical look, as if you were insane, and they would explain: “It has always been so. What's to puzzle over?”

I once went for two days without mayonnaise. I ran out of mayonnaise one morning and suffered through a breakfast without it. I drove into town and on the way to work and stopped at the grocery store and bought two quarts of mayonnaise. But, I could not enjoy its creamy goodness immediately because once mayonnaise is opened, it must be refrigerated. And so I carried the mayonnaise home and that evening proceeded to open one of the quarts. As I did so, I noticed that the package showed discoloration of the mayonnaise around the seal and I became suspicious. I carefully lifted the seal and discovered spoilage and so too with the other quart of mayonnaise. Obviously I could not take any risk with such mayonnaise and so I placed the mayonnaise in my vehicle and the next day I exchanged the bad mayonnaise for good mayonnaise. But, I once again, had to wait until the end of the day until I was alone in my home with the jugs of mayonnaise to finally be able to enjoy its delights. And so, I gave myself a large scoop of mayonnaise, and it was good, very, very good. It had been two whole days and too, too long without mayonnaise.”

That ought to learn her to ask me what I am thinking.

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