How to Behave While Stalking Deer (Women)

Years ago, when I had an excess of free time on my hands, I took to the mountains to stalk deer with a camera. I learned some important lessons during those episodes that I believe can be applied to the dating scene.

Rule number one when stalking deer (women) is to remain quiet (placid). Do not bluster about in the underbrush (stumble about drunkenly), snapping off interfering limbs of trees (tripping and falling on your face). Avoid coughing, spitting, sneezing, farting. Roll in the dirt (Bathe and put a pleasant cologne) before you enter the field (scene) to put the natural (female) scents on you and to mask your actual man-nature.

Rule number two when stalking deer (women) is to try to blend in with the environment. Wear camouflage (stylish) clothing, face paint (a touch of make-up) so that you blend into the deer's (woman's) world. Be unassuming as deer (women) are shy (particular) creatures that are naturally frightened by the form (predator nature) of man. In other words, try to make yourself one of them, as deer women prefer deer (women) and deer (woman) things to men and man things.

Rule number three when stalking deer (women) is to put out things that deer (women) are attracted to. Deer (Women) are curious (strange) creatures and will be drawn to flags (a display of money and power), and flashy ribbons (expensive accoutrements). If you do not have these things, you must bring them into your possession. They also like their accustomed forage (food), so place yourself in the vicinity of the pasturage (restaurants and nightclubs), that they frequent.

Rule number four when stalking deer (women), is that when you finally attract a deer (woman), do not stand up and gesticulate wildly and shout at the top of your lungs, “OH…WOW…HOLY COW...IT’S A DEER (WOMAN)…!!!!” Deer (Women) don’t like it when men act with too much enthusiasm (act desperate). You will frighten it off and may never see it again…at least not that particular deer (woman).

The Imp Within

There is within the confines of my skull, a pressure vessel and within the pressure vessel resides a tiny little homunculus I call the imp. The imp is normally contained within the pressure vessel, but when the stresses and strains of life become too great, cracks begin to develop in the vessel. The imp, a miniscule, ever active, mischievous thing is constantly rattling about inside, bouncing off the walls, forever searching for an escape rout. It eventually finds a crack and extruding itself through said opening, it then pops out and takes control of the machinery of me. That’s when all hell breaks out as it makes me say and do things I normally wouldn’t say or do. But, it isn’t me really, it’s the imp. And because it’s the imp making me say and do those things…I’m absolved of all responsibility. It wasn’t me; it was the imp.

A prime example of the effect of the imp on my life came the day I discovered a nail in the sidewall of one of my tires. I squatted down to more closely examine the damage and as I did so I could hear myself say, sub-vocally, “Don’t pull it out.” But my hand moved forward. And again with more emphasis I heard myself say “Don’t pull it out!!” But my hand continued to move forward, and again I heard myself veritably shout “Nooooo! Don’t’ pull it out!!!” Psssssssss…I pulled the nail out. Why, did I do that? How could that have happened when I knew full well what would be the result? My only explanation for such behavior is to say some other active agent had control of my hand at that moment and it forced me to do its will. It was the imp, not me. I can’t begin to tell you how vexed I was as it was me, who had to pay for the damage and not the imp.

The Wonderfulness of Mayonnaise

If my mate should ever make the mistake of asking me: “Honey, what are you thinking?” I would respond thusly: “Mayonnaise…I was just thinking about mayonnaise...and how wonderful mayonnaise is and about its delicious creamy goodness. I was thinking of how wonderful the world is with mayonnaise and how empty it would be without it. Can you imagine a world without mayonnaise? Do you think it would be possible for us to have reached such an advanced technological state, as we are in, and to not have developed mayonnaise? Could there have occurred, some fluke, some crease in our history that might have caused us to bypass the invention of mayonnaise? There would be a hole in our culinary experience, and people would be wondering and puzzling over its existence. There might even be advanced civilizations orbiting distant stars that have not yet discovered the creamy goodness of mayonnaise. Or, what could be worse, there may be places where mayonnaise simply could not exist...planets where the surface temperature is 250 Fahrenheit and three atmospheres pressure (water would of course not boil at such temperatures and pressures)? But, mayonnaise under such conditions would be nothing more than a gelatinous and unpalatable mass. There might even be Earths in parallel universes where mayonnaise does not exist. If you should go into a grocery store in such a world, you would find sections of shelves in the condiments aisle where there is no mayonnaise, just emptiness. And if you should stop a passing shopper, a native of such a domain, and ask them about the void on said shelves they would give you a quizzical look, as if you were insane, and they would explain: “It has always been so. What's to puzzle over?”

I once went for two days without mayonnaise. I ran out of mayonnaise one morning and suffered through a breakfast without it. I drove into town and on the way to work and stopped at the grocery store and bought two quarts of mayonnaise. But, I could not enjoy its creamy goodness immediately because once mayonnaise is opened, it must be refrigerated. And so I carried the mayonnaise home and that evening proceeded to open one of the quarts. As I did so, I noticed that the package showed discoloration of the mayonnaise around the seal and I became suspicious. I carefully lifted the seal and discovered spoilage and so too with the other quart of mayonnaise. Obviously I could not take any risk with such mayonnaise and so I placed the mayonnaise in my vehicle and the next day I exchanged the bad mayonnaise for good mayonnaise. But, I once again, had to wait until the end of the day until I was alone in my home with the jugs of mayonnaise to finally be able to enjoy its delights. And so, I gave myself a large scoop of mayonnaise, and it was good, very, very good. It had been two whole days and too, too long without mayonnaise.”

That ought to learn her to ask me what I am thinking.

One Reason I Have Little Respect for Authority

Many years ago I was in the Air Force I worked as a Weather Observer stationed at Libby Army Airfield. It was a windy day but otherwise uneventful when I received a phone call from the air traffic control tower informing me that there had been an aircraft accident. Whenever an accident happens the Air Traffic Control personnel will call various people, one of which is the Weather Observer. It is the duty of the Weather Observer to record the weather conditions at the time of the accident and that information is then incorporated into the accident investigation.  I looked outside the window of the observation post and saw a small single engine civilian aircraft upside down on the runway. Fortunately the pilot walked away. I acknowledged the call, put the phone down, and proceeded to take what is called a Special Weather Observation. 


Very soon after the first phone call and before I had transmitted the observation via teletype, I received a second call from the tower: “Um, can you cancel that observation?” the disembodied voice asked. 


“No I can't, there's been and accident, I have to transmit the observation, that's my job”, and I hung up the phone. I then completed the observation by writing into the log the special observation, and transmitting the same.

It turned out that the person who wrecked the plane was the airfield commander’s son and he was under the influence of alcohol at the time. The Airfield Commander attempted to cover up the accident but because of my refusal to go along with that, the cover-up failed, and his son lost his license to fly for life. I am vague about the effect it had on the Airfield Commander, who attempted the cover up. In those days I was a naive...but sometimes we need the naive to pull off the mask, to point out the obvious, and tell the emperor that he is wearing no clothes. But, as all such naive fools must suffer the consequences of their honesty, I had to suffer under the very direct and smoky glare of the Airfield Commander from that day, until the day I left.