How to Behave While Stalking Deer (Women)

Years ago, when I had an excess of free time on my hands, I took to the mountains to stalk deer with a camera. I learned some important lessons during those episodes that I believe can be applied to the dating scene.

Rule number one when stalking deer (women) is to remain quiet (placid). Do not bluster about in the underbrush (stumble about drunkenly), snapping off interfering limbs of trees (tripping and falling on your face). Avoid coughing, spitting, sneezing, farting. Roll in the dirt (Bathe and put a pleasant cologne) before you enter the field (scene) to put the natural (female) scents on you and to mask your actual man-nature.

Rule number two when stalking deer (women) is to try to blend in with the environment. Wear camouflage (stylish) clothing, face paint (a touch of make-up) so that you blend into the deer's (woman's) world. Be unassuming as deer (women) are shy (particular) creatures that are naturally frightened by the form (predator nature) of man. In other words, try to make yourself one of them, as deer women prefer deer (women) and deer (woman) things to men and man things.

Rule number three when stalking deer (women) is to put out things that deer (women) are attracted to. Deer (Women) are curious (strange) creatures and will be drawn to flags (a display of money and power), and flashy ribbons (expensive accoutrements). If you do not have these things, you must bring them into your possession. They also like their accustomed forage (food), so place yourself in the vicinity of the pasturage (restaurants and nightclubs), that they frequent.

Rule number four when stalking deer (women), is that when you finally attract a deer (woman), do not stand up and gesticulate wildly and shout at the top of your lungs, “OH…WOW…HOLY COW...IT’S A DEER (WOMAN)…!!!!” Deer (Women) don’t like it when men act with too much enthusiasm (act desperate). You will frighten it off and may never see it again…at least not that particular deer (woman).